Do I exist?

Do I exist?

5 June 2012

I am for myself

Self-perpetuation is my ultimate principle

There can be nothing without me

Even my mind is not

For my body is famished

My soul is wrecked

So let me garnish him

Adorn him with papers imprinted with faces of heroes

Assure him of future with healthy piggy electronic future

Where that gold, nickel, bronze, steel, silver or paper is held in reserve

All my life, I have dreamt of that heaven

I have been searching for your love

You have promised to be near yet you are far

I have searched for that embellishment of the brain

That philosophy that bothers me by its irritating hilarity

That principle that perturbs my world

Yet how should I exist?

My philosophy undermines my happiness

Happiness undermines my philosophy

How should I move?

How should I exist?

Perhaps I am the greatest measure of myself

But my accessories are haunting me like a specter

A gemeinschaft that dictates me everything how should I be

I tired

Yes I’m tired

The teacher is right, I must free myself

I must free myself from desire, the desire for everything

The desire for flesh, the desire for that paper adornment

The desire to be sad, the desire to be happy

The desire to be known, the desire to belong, the desire to know

The desire to be there, the desire to be absent

All forms of desire just make my soul despondent

I desire not, but I am afraid

But if only I am strong, I desire not

For I believe that if I desire not I am not happy neither sad

Hence, I must not, and I will not

I must forget that I must exist, I am nothingness

For I started this world with nothing

My trunks, my fruits, my oblivious accomplishments are not

They are simply gone and they were not

They do not exist, they were blown away by the wind

Rotten with soil, carried away by the river current and cast out to the sea

they do not exist for there is nobody there

Not even me, I don’t exist.

What shall I preserve?

Shall I preserve the self?

Shall I preserve my love for you?

Shall I preserve my desire for you?

No, I shall not desire, not even to love you.

I shall not desire not even to be loved by you

For I am nothing, nothing but a desperate soul

Trying to assert that I exist, but I do not exist in you

I exist only because I am thinking about you

If I don’t think, I do not exist

For only in my mind, that my world can ever ‘be’

For in the world that I live, I don’t exist

Only thought creates my existence

Only my thought makes my life meaningful

For I have been forced to accept that

an unexamined life is not worth living

Have I tried to keep you existing?

Have I told you that I need you?

Have I told you that you are important to me?

Do I ever need you?

I guess I am, but I fear, I fear the unknown, the non-existent

I fear that you may not heed my call

I fear that you may not need me

Hence I prefer not to exist

I don’t need the promise of the future

For you are the greatest promise that my faith dictates

I don’t need to think that I must exist if I have you

Because you are my existence, you are my meaning

If you think of me, that suffice to

I can give you my life; I can give you my world

I can reveal to you my world

So that I may exist and my existence is affirmed

I can give my life; I can give the life that I have lived for

I can leave my world, only to come to your world

But the distance between us - both imagined and feared separates us.

I must tell you? I fear non-existence

Please come to my life. I shall be the most loyal dog for you

If you must recognize that I also exist for you

In my life, I have always searched for you but you never came

You came in disguise; you came wearing my own face

You are me, and I am you, but we can never be together

Come to me as yourself, come into my life as you are, we don’t need mirrors

You need not be the same with me for I shall step down my stairs

or I shall climb the heavens for you

Just come to me and affirm my existence for

I do not exist